Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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