You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
