I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
