If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
