I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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