I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
