Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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