I looked at my own cervix.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
