just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
