I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
