The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
