..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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