My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize