I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize