Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
