I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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