I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
OPIZZABONMYDICK
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
