What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
