I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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