she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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