i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
