New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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