John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize