Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
