He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
