Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
