its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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