Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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