yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
