Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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