The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
