honey bunches of taint.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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