jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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