he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm passing your future prison.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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