He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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