Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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