Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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