your thong is hanging out like whoa
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
