Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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