I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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