I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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