On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So apparently I’m into choking now
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