I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
