I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
