Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
