just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
