Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
