I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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