i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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