I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
