You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
