someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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