So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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