I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
