hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
MIDGETS
????
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
