Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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