She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
