I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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