my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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