If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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