Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize