I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
