Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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