everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
