i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
