You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I will pee on everything he values.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
