Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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