WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
