mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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