dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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