Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
